


Satisfied.

by aurelia_murphy



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana Beck is a Good Friend, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Based off of a Hamilton song, Established Tree Bros, Jared Kleinman Needs Love, M/M, Other, PLATONIC JALANA I WANT THEM TO BE GAY BESTIES, Pining, Polyamory, Weddings, might make a sequel, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-16 20:02:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19325116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aurelia_murphy/pseuds/aurelia_murphy
Summary: Jared Kleinman will never be satisfied.





	Satisfied.

**Author's Note:**

> i worked my ass off to write this and yes its bad but dont comment that im a baby ill cry

“To the grooms!” Jared was surprised that he was able to keep his voice even. He didn’t waver, not even once, as he delivered the speech. His lips might have wobbled a few times, struggling to say upturned and smiling. He wouldn’t ruin this day for them. 

Evan and Connor were in love, and Jared just needed to deal with that. 

With one last breath, Jared willed his fake smile to become radiant. It was all the more blinding and he could tell that people were convinced. “May you always be satisfied!” When he raised his glass in a toast to the newlyweds, he looked to them for approval. They were all smiles, hands linked over the white tablecloth. Jared’s eyes lingered over their interlocked fingers for a moment, Evan’s nails bitten down to the skin and Connor’s carefully painted black. 

Looking at their hands, how perfectly they fit together, Jared felt sick. His stomach did a million flips inside of him and he felt himself stepping down from the podium. He wasn’t completely aware of his surroundings or the people who were giving him confused glances. It had been clear that he wasn’t quite done his speech. In a futile attempt to clear the air, he leaned into the microphone once more. “Congratulations to the new lovebirds.” He said, a short and humourless laugh leaving him without his consent. He couldn’t help his bitterness. 

He turned from the podium and couldn’t quite see properly. His vision was blurred with tears that were threatening to spill over. He couldn’t let them. Not now, not ever. He wouldn’t let himself be the person who cried at a wedding, especially not one between two of his closest friends. He blinked the tears away, huffing as he dug the heels of his hands into his eyes. He could always blame the tears on his brand new contact lenses, but he was an awful liar. He would try to use that excuse, he decided. It wasn’t likely to work, but he could always try. 

He looked up and his eyes found the door, open to let air in. When he realized that most of the guests weren’t looking at him anymore, he looked to make sure Evan and Connor were distracted with each other before making a beeline to the exit. Thoughts of ‘you may now kiss the groom’ ran through his brain and he just wanted to break down. They looked so happy like that, facing each other in their nice suits and fancy hair. Jared wanted to be up there with them, clad in his own fancy suit. He wished they would have told him not to wear his contacts, that he looked great with his glasses and that there was nothing to be insecure about. They didn’t, though, of course not. After all, they were getting married to each other and Jared was on the sidelines, their best friend. He had to always remind himself that he’d only ever be just that, their best friend. 

When he finally made it to the exit, he felt like he could breathe again. Not in a stabilized manner, of course, but it was better than not being able to breathe at all. He was running, slightly uncomfortable in his tight suit, to a park that was behind the building that the wedding was held at. The park was beautiful, filled with gardens of gorgeous colour coordinated flowers, but Jared was barely in a state to look at them. They only served to remind him of Evan’s wonder with nature. He was lucky to find a bench to sit on before he could collapse on the grass.  
He leaned forward, his head in his hands, as he continued his earlier motion of digging the heels of his hands into his eyes. He let out a strange sound, some sort of choked sob, that he wasn’t used to hearing from himself. Jared rarely cried. Almost never. The last time he could remember was when his grandpa died in the senior year. Three whole years ago. 

That day was awful. He remembered it like it had happened last week, but only because he ran out of the church right after the service ended and cried like a baby in an alley. He didn’t want anyone to see him so weak, sniveling like some sort of coward. He supposed this situation was similar. Instead of facing it head on, he chose to run and cry where nobody could see him.

With a shaky sigh, Jared raised his head and stared out at the colour coordinated flower beds that surrounded the gorgeous park. One specific flower bed managed to catch his eye and, with a sharp intake of breath, he chewed on his bottom lip, now somewhat distraught. It was a gorgeously arranged bed, but it hit Jared right where he didn’t need to be hit in that very moment. Beautiful, black Queen of the Night tulips stood tall and stiff. Jared watched them wave with the wind and let out a sigh. Planted with these tulips were pale blue hydrangea blooms. They were smaller, growing in groups, and Jared stood to examine the bed even further. Before he even knew what he was doing, he was leaning down to pick one of each of the blooms and holding them tightly in each hand. Black in the left, blue in the right. Connor in the left, Evan in the right. His mind flashed back to the ceremony. Connor on the left, Evan on the right. 

When had Jared fallen to his knees? He couldn’t really remember, but there he was, on his knees in front of a flowerbed. He was sobbing now, choked sounds coming from him that he never knew he was capable of. He could vaguely feel his hands tightening around the stem of the tulip and the bunch of small hydrangea blossoms, but he paid it no mind. He sort of felt like crushing the flowers was symbolic of the way those newlyweds were crushing him. 

“Jared?” 

He snapped his head up and had no time to compose himself. He had no time to pretend he hadn’t been crying, to paste on a smile and pretend he was just picking these beautiful flowers to smell them or whatever. He had no time to rebuild his walls and spew some sort of offensive joke. When he saw who was in front of him, though, he realized that none of that would have worked anyways. Alana could read people far too well for Jared’s usual tactics to work on her. She would see right through him, just like she always did. So Jared took one look at her and then continued to sob, probably even more loudly than he had before. 

He felt a pair of warm arms wrap around him and he didn’t know how much he needed it until it happened. He was being held tightly, like he meant something and like he mattered. He tilted his head downwards and saw the bottom of Alana’s beautiful dress brushing against the grass and dirt. The rational part of him wanted to make her stand, to brush off her dress and send her back to the wedding where she belonged. Zoe, her girlfriend, would no doubt be wondering where she had gone. He managed to slow his breathing somehow - he was sure he wouldn’t have been able to do so if Alana wasn’t there - and shakily brought his hands upwards to look at them. There were crushed petals stacked high in his hands and the sight of them almost choke up once more.   
He somehow managed to keep the onslaught of tears back, instead opting for a shaky breath and a small hiccup. “Alana,” he began. His voice was unusually hoarse, definitely from the sobbing. He didn’t like the way he sounded when he cried. “Your dress.” He pointed to the pale pink material which was in less than pristine condition. There were small grass stains littering the bottom of the flowy garment and Jared really didn’t want his friend’s beautiful dress to get ruined further. 

“I’m not worried about my dress right now.” Her voice was soothing and Jared could have melted into it. He was glad he had a friend like Alana, someone who didn’t ask questions when she saw they were unnecessary. This was one of those times, as she kneeled with her arms wrapped tight around someone who needed lots of help. She briefly noted that Jared was shaking like a leaf, but decided it might be best not to mention it. It broke her heart to see him like this, crying and shaking and, in every sense of the word, a mess. She didn’t know what to do.

“I-I’m sorry,” Jared said, voice softening with every syllable. He was shrinking in on himself and Alana knew that was not a good sign. People who shrunk in on themselves didn’t like to talk about their issues. People who shrunk in on themselves often didn’t want to feel better. Alana wanted Jared to want to feel better. 

“There’s nothing to apologize for, Jared. Okay? I don’t like to see any of you guys crying. You’ll make me cry too.” She said. She smiled softly when she heard a soft, breathy laugh come from Jared. She had managed something at least. He wasn’t happy by any means, but clearly she had managed to help his spirits rise just a little bit. It was an interesting thing to see, Jared with tear stained cheeks and arms wrapped around him. Jared with a hunched back and puffy eyes, looking like a complete mess. Alana wasn’t used to seeing him this way. 

She knew Jared as the one who came to the rescue when people were sad. She knew him as a ball of loud-mouthed arrogance, someone with an arsenal of crude jokes that could put a smile on anyone’s face. As much as everyone hated to admit it, they thought Jared was absolutely hilarious. Sure, his jokes were badly timed sometimes and they often went way further than they should’ve, but they were something that stuck. When people thought of Jared, they thought of his jokes. They thought of his smile, his humour. Jared had the best smile, Alana thought. Well, next to Zoe’s, of course, but Alana’s opinion might have been a biased one. 

“Well, we can’t have that, can we?” Jared’s voice was hoarse, but Alana could recognize the teasing tone in his voice. He was attempting humour to deflect Alana’s concern and that much was obvious enough. Alana, removing her heels to stand barefoot in the bright grass, gave a small smile. She would cheer Jared up, no matter what. She wasn’t really sure what he was upset about, but she was sure it was nothing that some dancing to no music and looking like complete idiots couldn’t fix. Alana could clearly remember Jared doing the same thing in a museum's gender-neutral bathroom when she had just gone through her first panic attack in a while. He had helped her calm down, then danced like an idiot in that bathroom just to see her smile. Never before had Fortnite dances made Alana smile, but she supposed Jared was capable of just about anything when he set his mind to it. 

 

Suddenly, Alana found herself cheering loudly and doing the Fortnite default dance. She was glad nobody was around to record it, because if there was a video, she would surely never live it down. She had a reputation to uphold and the Fortnite default dance likely wouldn’t do her much good. If it was for Jared, though, she’d do it. 

She looked down to him and was suddenly proud of herself. Sure, his eyes were still puffy and he still looked like he hadn’t slept in a week, but a wobbly smile was starting to form on his lips. She was glad that she could form some sort of positivity in this situation, since it seemed like Jared was going through quite a bit. She smiled widely as Jared god to his feet, that same wobbly smile widening into a wobbly grin. He started moving to the imaginary rhythm, doing the stanky leg or some other kind of stupid dance. 

They did that for a few minutes, moving to the metaphorical beat with no sounds except Alana’s small giggles. She had to admit that this was really fun, maybe she should do it more often. She then laughed when she heard Jared mumbling ‘teach me how to dougie’ over and over again under his breath because he didn’t know the rest of the lyrics to the song. He seemed to be a little bit better, puffy eyes crinkling every so often as he struggled to hold in small bouts of laughter. “You know, Alana, I never took you for the Fortnite type.” He said with a small giggle (gross, he hated that word, but it was the only way he could think to describe the sound he made). Alana shuddered, pulling an exaggerated grimace to make Jared let out another small laugh. 

Jared decided he could do this forever. For once, he wasn’t thinking about stupid Evan or stupid Connor or their stupid marriage or any of that. He was just dancing, feeling the air around him shift to accommodate his movements. It felt nice, to feel free for once, although he was aware that he was looking like a complete fool. He felt light. Not weightless, as if there was nothing bothering him, but he felt much lighter than before. Somehow, Alana had managed to lift a heavy burden for a bit. 

That moment was short lived. 

“Jared? Alana? Why’d you guys leave?” 

It was Evan, walking towards them with a soft smile on his face. He looked concerned, but still quite amused. Evan, over the years, had sort of outgrown his stutter and constant fidgeting. That wasn’t to say that the anxiety was completely gone, because sometimes Jared would visit and it would feel like sophomore year again, when Evan couldn’t get six words out without stuttering or apologizing for something that didn’t warrant an apology. The boy (or man, but it would always feel weird to call Evan that) standing in front of him carried himself elegantly and had a smile that brought crinkles to his eyes. Jared could barely look at it in fear that he might go blind or something stupid like that. 

Evan was radiant this way, standing perfectly straight in his pale blue suit. Jared supposed this was what love did to people who were successful with it. 

Love made Evan happy, but it did nothing but destroy Jared and make him feel like a homewrecker. 

Jared’s face fell. Before, his expression was relaxed and even a little bit happy, but not a trace of that was left. Alana took note of this, her eyes drifting cautiously between Evan and Jared. Clearly there was something going on, but she found it odd that she could see no sign of recognition in Evan’s eyes. He really had no clue why Jared was upset. Her gaze shifted over to Jared, who had taken a few small steps backwards. He looked like he was on the verge of tears, and while wondering what Evan could have possibly done to make Jared cry, she came to a startling conclusion. 

“Oh.” 

Shit, she had said that out loud. 

“Oh what?” Evan’s eyebrow was raised and Alana really couldn’t blame him. There was no way he could tell that Jared was in love with him. It wasn’t obvious at all. Alana prided herself on knowing important things before they came to light, but she had not seen this coming. She did know that Jared liked Connor, which was sort of odd, all things considered. She pondered this for a moment, eyebrows furrowed as she gave Evan no response. Jared liked Connor. Jared liked Evan. Connor and Evan were newly married. Oh. 

Oh! 

So that’s why Jared was crying. He liked them. Both of them. Alana prided herself on intuition. Maybe it was the fact that she was a woman, or her new job as a relations counsellor, but she felt like she knew what she was doing. She knew this, whatever this was between the three boys, was possible. Her mind was running, moving like cogs in a perfectly oiled machine, to figure out how this would work. She was going to speak, somehow excuse her previous statement - if you could even call it that - but Jared beat her to it, with a radiant smile. If she hadn’t seen him sobbing hysterically only minutes before, she’d believe he was having the time of his life. She almost let her mind wander, thinking about how many times she had believed Jared was happy when he had been crying just minutes before. The thought broke her heart and sort of made her feel like a shitty friend, but she set that thought aside to dwell on later. 

“Oh, nothing, Acorn.” Jared had taken to using the nickname endearingly, often paired with stupid jokes that were a little bit insensitive. Evan was used to it, though, and tried his best not to let the rude comments get to him. The blonde furrowed his eyebrows, staring Jared down. He didn’t believe this ‘everything is fine’ bullshit for one second. He was going to say something, give Jared a piece of his mind for never telling the truth, but he felt a hand being gently placed on his shoulder. He knew it was Connor without having to look at him, because everyone else at that wedding knew not to touch him without explicit permission. Connor had explicit permission at all times, except for maybe during panic attacks. Evan didn’t like to be touched during those. 

“We know it’s not nothing, Jared. Don’t tell us what’s pissing you off, I don’t give a shit, but don’t fucking lie to us.” There was an angry edge to Connor’s voice that shouldn’t have been there. He swore to himself he wouldn’t do that, be so angry all the time, but he had done it again. It looked like he had upset Jared, too, and that was definitely not what he had wanted. He hadn’t wanted to watch Jared’s face twist into a hurt expression, then into one of anger. 

“Oh, fuck you, Connor. Can’t even look at someone without getting worked up, can you? Dick. Go back to your fucking wedding.” Jared couldn’t help the bitterness that seeped through his words like poison. He spat the word ‘wedding’ out as if it hurt to keep it in his mouth and, in a way, it did. Jared just wanted to let all this go. He just wanted to let it be, to let it all hang out so he didn’t have to be in love with them anymore. After all, it was sort of difficult to be in love with people who were certainly going to start avoiding him once he was finished with what he had to say. Sure, doing this at their wedding was definitely going to be added to his list of ‘reasons the insanely not-so-cool Jared Kleinman is a really shitty guy’, but he was too far gone to care anymore. 

“Jared, you’re the worst.” 

The words coming from Connor’s mouth had Jared seeing red. He liked Connor, of course he did, but the long haired male could really grind his gears when he wanted to. Were his puffy eyes really not a good enough signal to let Connor know he didn’t really need to be fucked with right now? He thought they were, but apparently Connor Murphy (Hansen now? Jared hadn’t paid attention when they told him who took who’s name.) wasn’t sensitive to even the most obvious of emotions.

“Have you ever considered, Connor, why I act the way I do? Why I constantly joke when people very obviously piss me off, or why I never listen when you talk about your relationship? Yeah, you’re right, I am the worst! The absolute fucking worst if I’ve ever seen it, because being in love with two people who got married half an hour ago is just the worst, right? I ran from your stupid wedding to let you two be happy, okay? Now piss off. Leave me alone.” 

Jared was crying again, thick tears running down his face as he watched their reactions. He expected them to recoil, faces full of disgust, but they just appeared sorry. So pitifully sorry that Jared sort of wanted to punch both of them right in their stupid faces. He didn’t need pity right now. He didn’t want to be coddled, to be treated like he wasn’t in the middle of destroying a beautiful union between two beautiful souls who really, really deserved each other. He wanted to be left alone, to curl up in the grass with the heavy feeling of crippling rejection burning into him. 

Connor and Evan shared a ‘we’ll talk about this later’ look, then both of their eyes shifted to Jared. Connor reached out first, a guilty smile on his face. He grabbed one of Jared’s hands to stop it from rubbing at his eyes. “You should’ve worn your glasses. They suit you.” He said, blowing a loose piece of hair out of his face. His hair, done up in an intricate braid that Zoe had insisted upon doing and pleated with blue flowers, was being a pain in the ass, but he had to say it wasn’t really his main concern in the moment. 

“Yeah, come on, Jared. Let’s go dance.” Evan smiled widely. He didn’t want his friend (maybe more? The discussion with Connor would help to disclose that) to be upset anymore. 

~

Eighteen months later, the 2017 version of the IT movie was playing on a flat screen television. Jared wasn’t really paying attention to it, instead to the two people curled into his sides. 

He was tired, but he couldn’t allow himself to rest. He stared down at the silver band that adorned his left ring finger, then to the matching ones on Connor and Evan’s hands. Sure, he wasn’t bound to them by law, but the rings on their fingers and the union between their hearts was enough for him. 

Finally, on this couch between the best two husbands in the world, Jared was satisfied.


End file.
